i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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