so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
bring money and cleavage
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
