Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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