Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We left the knife in your bed.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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