Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
