I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
