I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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