I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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