Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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