How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
