Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
