i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
