yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
