If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
