Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
