My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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