omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
