Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
