Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
