Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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