he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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