Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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