Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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