you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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