I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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