i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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