no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
