If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
