if only i could text you this smell
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
