good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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