I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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