I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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