Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
