Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
