Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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