Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
