Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
