I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
