you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
