Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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