how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
