I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
