don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
