I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
