ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
