And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
