You're completely useless in the revolution.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
