We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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