By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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