Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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