The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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