i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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