there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
