Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Randomize
