made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
