i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
