This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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