he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
