I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
