I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
