I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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