i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
